Alfonso the Code Warrior

A collection of coder and general computer jokes to rival the finest.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Lightbulb Jokes - Computers

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. "We'll document it in the manual."
  2. None. It's a hardware problem.
  3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
  4. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
  5. Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
  6. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
  7. Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
  8. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
  9. It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
  10. The change is 90% complete.
  11. We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
  12. Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
  13. Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
    Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
    Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
  2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  1. Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
  2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
  3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just keep everyone out of the room.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
  2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
  2. Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
  2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
  2. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
  3. Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
  4. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
  5. Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
  2. One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.

Taken from the full collection of Lightbulb Jokes of marcush@crc.ricoh.com

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home