Alfonso the Code Warrior

2006-12-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future references to this light-bulb issue.

2006-12-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

Pessimist: The glass is half-empty.

Optimist: The glass is half-full.

Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

2006-12-16T17:14:00.000-08:00

Coming soon: "WhoCarez", the world's first
Taoist programming language! See for yourself:
DO WHILE YOU FEEL IT'S WORTHWHILE
ADD X TO Y
OR
SUBTRACT X FROM Y
OR
WHATEVER
CALL DisregardResults
CALL ItIsn'tImportantAnyway
CALL PonderUniversalTruths
ASSIGN CosmicBalance = YES
OR
PERHAPS NOT
END DO (UNLESS YOU DON'T WANT TO)

(originally from here)

2006-12-14T17:53:00.000-08:00

If you had a Klingon coder working on your team (but wait, there's more...):

"This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"
"A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
"By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
"You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"
"Our competitors are without honor!"
"Specs are for the weak and timid!"
"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
"Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
"My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

But I disagree. Klingons prefer hand-to-hand combat to Phasers. You just know that they'd want to use a Z80 for real-time image processing.

So here is my list of things you might hear from the Klingon in the cube next to yours. (see original page).

"I have challenged the entire ISO-9000 review team to a round of Bat-Leth practice on the holodeck. They will not concern us again."
"C++? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary."
"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Bugs are good for building character in the user."
"Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, Offensive programming is what we do best."
"Klingon programs don't do accountancy. For that, you need a Farengi programmer."
"Klingon multitasking systems do not support "time-sharing". When a Klingon program wants to run, it challenges the scheduler in hand-to-hand combat and owns the machine."
"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
"You humans call this thing a 'cursor' and you move it with 'mouse'! Bah! A Klingon would not use such a device. We have a Karaghht-Gnot - which is best translated as "An Aiming Daggar of 16x16 pixels" and we move it using a Gshnarrrf which is a creature from the Klingon homeworld which posesses just one, (disproportionately large) testicle...which it rubs along the ground.....uh do we really need to talk about this?"
"I am without honor...my children are without honor... My father coded at the Battle of Kittimer...and...and...he...
HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE MICROMANAGED."
"Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes'. Typically leaving a trail of wounded programmers in it's wake."
"Microsoft is actually a secret Farengi-Klingon alliance designed to cripple the Federation. The Farengi are doing the marketing and the Klingons are writing the code."
"Klingons do not believe in indentation - except perhaps in the skulls of their program managers."
"You can't truly appreciate Dilbert unless you read it in the original Klingon."

2006-12-13T17:48:00.000-08:00

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

2006-12-13T17:47:00.000-08:00

Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.

2006-12-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

2006-12-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.

With joint in mouth/brushing dreadlocks out of eyes: San Francisco/Humbolt.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in New York.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida

Why did the multi-threaded chicken cross the road?

2006-12-10T23:55:00.000-08:00

Why did the multi-threaded chicken cross the road?

to To other side. get the

2006-12-05T17:06:00.000-08:00

Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a beta tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our software. When a message appeared on the screen, "Press any key to continue", Jane pressed the letter 'j'.
I thought I was going to have heart failure.

"JANE!" I screamed, "Why did you press J?!!?"

"It said any key."

"Yeah, but....when programmers say any key, they mean the space bar!"

At which point my fellow programmer looked at me and said, "We do? I thought we meant enter."

Originally From: BEN BUTLER

2006-11-29T17:28:00.000-08:00

Proper Diskette Care and Usage

(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.

(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.

(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigourously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....

(10) You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to un thaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.

(11) "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.

(12) You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command: FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.

(13) Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.

(14) Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.

Theory and Practice

2006-11-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

Theory is when you think you know something but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works but you don't know why.
Usually we combine theory and practice: nothing works and we don't know why.

-----

In theory, theory and practice are the same.
But that's in theory, not in practice.

2006-11-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Computer Science degree asks, "How is it that it works at all?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Writing Unmaintainable Code

2006-11-12T17:31:00.000-08:00

Introduction

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.
- Napoleon

In the interests of creating employment opportunities in the Java programming field, I am passing on these tips from the masters on how to write code that is so difficult to maintain, that the people who come after you will take years to make even the simplest changes. Further, if you follow all these rules religiously, you will even guarantee yourself a lifetime of employment, since no one but you has a hope in hell of maintaining the code. Then again, if you followed all these rules religiously, even you wouldn't be able to maintain the code!

You don't want to overdo this. Your code should not look hopelessly unmaintainable, just be that way. Otherwise it stands the risk of being rewritten or refactored.

General Principles

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
- Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

To foil the maintenance programmer, you have to understand how he thinks. He has your giant program. He has no time to read it all, much less understand it. He wants to rapidly find the place to make his change, make it and get out and have no unexpected side effects from the change.

He views your code through a toilet paper tube. He can only see a tiny piece of your program at a time. You want to make sure he can never get at the big picture from doing that. You want to make it as hard as possible for him to find the code he is looking for. But even more important, you want to make it as awkward as possible for him to safely ignore anything.

Programmers are lulled into complacency by conventions. By every once in a while, by subtly violating convention, you force him to read every line of your code with a magnifying glass.

You might get the idea that every language feature makes code unmaintainable -- not so, only if properly misused.

Naming

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less."
- Lewis Carroll -- Through the Looking Glass, Chapter 6

Much of the skill in writing unmaintainable code is the art of naming variables and methods. They don't matter at all to the compiler. That gives you huge latitude to use them to befuddle the maintenance programmer.

New Uses For Names For Baby

adsf

aoeu

Single Letter Variable Names

Creative Miss-spelling

tory

tori

Be Abstract

everything

data

handle

stuff

routine

perform

routineX48

PerformDataFunction

DoIt

HandleStuff

do_args_method

A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.

Thesaurus Surrogatisation

display

show

present

print

information hiding

Use Plural Forms From Other Languages

Klingon

Hobbitese

CapiTaliSaTion

ComputeRasterHistoGram()

Reuse Names

Åccented Letters

typedef struct { int i; } ínt;

Exploit Compiler Name Length Limits

var_unit_update()

var_unit_setup()

var_unit

Underscore, a Friend Indeed

Mix Languages

Extended ASCII

Names From Other Languages

punkt

point

Names From Mathematics

Bedazzling Names

Rename and Reuse

When To Use i

Conventions Schmentions

Sun Java Coding Conventions

both

inputFilename

inputfileName

Lower Case l Looks a Lot Like the Digit 1

Reuse of Global Names as Private

Recycling Revisited

Recycle Your Variables

Cd wrttn wtht vwls s mch trsr

colour

color

kulerz

Misleading names

isValid(x)

m_

o_apple obj_apple

Hungarian Notation

Seek out and use Hungarian warts that have meaning in languages other than your current language. For example insist on the PowerBuilder "l_" and "a_ " {local and argument} scoping prefixes and always use the VB-esque style of having a Hungarian wart for every control type when coding to C++. Try to stay ignorant of the fact that megs of plainly visible MFC source code does not use Hungarian warts for control types.

Always violate the Hungarian principle that the most commonly used variables should carry the least extra information around with them. Achieve this end through the techniques outlined above and by insisting that each class type have a custom wart prefix. Never allow anyone to remind you that no wart tells you that something is a class. The importance of this rule cannot be overstated if you fail to adhere to its principles the source code may become flooded with shorter variable names that have a higher vowel/consonant ratio. In the worst case scenario this can lead to a full collapse of obfuscation and the spontaneous reappearance of English Notation in code!

Flagrantly violate the Hungarian-esque concept that function parameters and other high visibility symbols must be given meaningful names, but that Hungarian type warts all by themselves make excellent temporary variable names.

Insist on carrying outright orthogonal information in your Hungarian warts. Consider this real world example "a_crszkvc30LastNameCol". It took a team of maintenance engineers nearly 3 days to figure out that this whopper variable name described a const, reference, function argument that was holding information from a database column of type Varchar[30] named "LastName" which was part of the table's primary key. When properly combined with the principle that "all variables should be public" this technique has the power to render thousands of lines of source code obsolete instantly!

Use to your advantage the principle that the human brain can only hold 7 pieces of information concurrently. For example code written to the above standard has the following properties:

a single assignment statement carries 14 pieces of type and name information.
a single function call that passes three parameters and assigns a result carries 29 pieces of type and name information.
Seek to improve this excellent, but far too concise, standard. Impress management and coworkers by recommending a 5 letter day of the week prefix to help isolate code written on 'Monam' and 'FriPM'.
It is easy to overwhelm the short term memory with even a moderately complex nesting structure, especially when the maintenance programmer can't see the start and end of each block on screen simultaneously.

Hungarian Notation Revisited

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Obscure film references

LancelotsFavouriteColour

blue

Lightbulb Jokes - Computers

2006-11-08T17:32:00.000-08:00

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?: We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?: None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
None. It's a hardware problem.
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
The change is 90% complete.
We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?: 1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: False.
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
(((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?: None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
How long will it take?: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?: They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?: None, they just keep everyone out of the room.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?: "The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: 472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?: Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?: None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.

Taken from the full collection of Lightbulb Jokes of marcush@crc.ricoh.com

Tech Support Pricing

2006-11-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

An excellent list of tech support pricing:

http://www.contrib.andrew.cmu.edu/~moose/sysadmin/pricelist.html

2006-11-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

From the MFC source:

// according to the Win98 docs, this should be 1

// according to the WinNT docs, this should be 2

// they are both wrong!

Engineers vs. Executives

2006-10-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

Engineers vs. Executives

Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find

Money = Work/Knowledge

The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*

* Thanks to various contributors for correcting dodgy algebra that had ensured the humour of this gag tended toward zero.

2006-10-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

Got to love mac, configurable BSODs:

http://osxbook.com/book/bonus/chapter5/panic/

2006-10-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "This thing is a freak'n maintenance nightmare - I'm going to rebuilt it from scratch - I'm TIRED of it, I don't care if the project manager says we're already late."

Insufficient Memory

2006-10-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/generic/65a0/

Top 16 Programmer Pranks

2006-10-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

16 Using their e-mail address, post a request for penpals to the alt.prison.bodypiercing newsgroup.

15 Three words: electric mouse buzzer.

14 Assign them to the new “Heaven’s Gate” project.

13 “Look, Bill Gates!! Ha! Made ya look!”

12 Put them in the same room with a member of the opposite sex.

11 “Have you got Prince Albert in a LAN?”

10 Tell them that “everyone knows Star Trek transporter technology is bogus.”

9 10 GOTO 10

7 Swap their monitor for a large cardboard box with handpuppets. Watch the fur fly!

6 Announce that annual raises will be based on a subjective test of one’s ability to “schmooze the way the butt-kissers in Marketing do.”

8 Intercept their daily Top 10 List, then remove #8 and re-insert it between #5 and #6.

5 Pretend to “discover” a Fox TV Web site with a now-out-of-date win a weekend with Gillian Anderson of X-Files contest.

4 Every hour, on the hour, forward them a warning about the “Good Times” virus.

3 Call her up and ask if her program is running, and when she says “yes,” tell her “Well you better go catch it!”

2 Replace all the Jolt in the soda machine with Perrier and V8. and the Number 1 April Fool’s Day Prank to Pull on Programmers…

1 Special announcement: “Forget Java — Starting immediately, all coding will be done in COBOL.”

Computer Genesis

2006-10-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

Computer Genesis

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Centre; And God showed the Programmer the Catalogue Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Centre and locked the door and secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

2006-10-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

Why we need reviews.:-)

In an ancient monastery in a far away place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned as a rubricate on copies of books that had already been copied by hand.

One day, while working on the monks' Book of Vows, he asks old Father Florian, the Armarius of the Scriptorium, 'Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for chances of error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?'

Fr. Florian was set back a bit by the obvious logical observation of this youthful monk. 'A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest copies of the Book of Vows down to the vault and compare it against the original.' Fr. Florian went down to the secured vault and began his verification.

A day passed and the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something may have happened. As they approached the vault they heard sobbing and wailing... they opened the door and found Fr. Florian crying over the new copy and the original, ancient Book of Vows, both opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his old heart out for a long time.

'What is the problem, Reverend Father???' asked one of the monks.

'Oh, my Lord,' sobbed the priest, 'The word is 'CELEBRATE'!!!'

And this is why we need reviews.

2006-10-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office
and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for
the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

2006-10-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

The Best Spam Email Ever...

2006-10-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

(from http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/susan/joke/timetrav.htm)

I received this as spam email. I loathe spam with a fierce, glowing hatred, and delete it all unread. But in this case something compelled me to read beyond the header. I reproduce the contents here because it is simply a classic. It is all wonderful, and I especially love the P.S.!

Interestingly, I received it a few days after I had put up my review of Tips for Time Travellers. Coincidence?

Being spam, it has no attribution. If you know it, could you email it to me for inclusion? Thanks.

Time travelers PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!
I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!

I need to be able to:

Travel back in time.
Rewind my life including my age back to 4.
Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being tampered with again after I go back.

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I am aware that there are many types of time travel, and that humans do not do well through certain types.

I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible. To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of now will cease to exist. I know that there are some very powerful people out there with alien or government equipment capable of doing just that.

If you can help me I will pay for your teleport or trip down here, Along with hotel stay, food and all expenses. I will pay top dollar for the equipment. Proof must be provided.

Please be advised that any temporal device that you may employ must account for X, Y, and Z coordinates as well as the temporal location. I have a time machine now, but it has limited abilitys and is useless without a vortex. If you can provide information on how to create vortex generator or where I can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals this would also be helpful.

Also if you are one of the very, very, few beings with the ability to edit the universe PLEASE REPLY!!!

Only if you have this technology and can help me please send me a (SEPARATE) email to:

Robby0809@aol.com

Please do not reply if your an evil alien!
Thanks

After I had decided to put this up on my Web site, I did a quick Google to find any other recipients who thought it good enough to mention. There are a few other sites, but the best one is at Joey deVilla's Hall of Shame, which includes the following beautiful "reply" (enhanced by its links)

I'm thinking about using this as a reply:

Well, here were are again. You have no idea who I am, don't you?

Not only am I capable of helping you, but I've done so twice already.

I can meet all your requirements except one -- the one where you retain your memories of everything's that happened to you up until now. Normally, it would be possible for you to remember the present (and all events leading up to it) when you go back into the past, but you kept insisting that you also want your aging to be reversed. I can only do that by reverting you to your past state, which means that events leading up to what you call "the present" wouldn't have happened. Which means you'd have nothing to remember. See the problem?

I was willing to let things slide when things went horribly wrong the first time. Initially, it looked as though you were going to live a long and happy life: you had a successful business, you were in the best shape of your life, and you had just married one of the supporting actresses from American Pie. However, you blew it big time when during your honeymoon in Honduras, you caught a butterfly. That butterfly's wings were supposed to trigger a hurricane that would have devastated the coastline of El Salvador, including the coastal village of La Libertad. Instead, the village was never destroyed, and as a result, a troubled and overindulged little boy grew up to become the Hitler of the 21st century. He managed to turn the eastern seaboard and much of Europe into the world's largest smouldering graveyards before he was finally stopped. I managed to retrieve you from that timeline -- you were under a pile of rubble and half-mad. I decided to try and send you back in time again.

While the course of your life has not been so catastrophic for the rest of the world this time around, you have still managed to make a mess of it for yourself. And this time, you're resorting to spamming in order to find a time traveller like me. That's really low.

The biggest shame of it all (and more so because you don't remember) is that your life wasn't as bad as you thought when you first came to me for help. You said you wanted to undo your so-called "terrible, terrible mistake". In retrospect, I should never have honoured your request. Yes, it was an embarassing situation, but "the incident", as you liked to call it, would have been forgotten soon enough. It's nothing that a public apology and a little plastic surgery couldn't have fixed. Besides, while that kind of thing was taboo once, it would have become socially acceptable a few short years later.

I am truly sorry, but I feel that you're one of those people who will do the same kind of thing over and over, no matter what kind of circumstances they find themselves in. Please do not contact me anymore. If you see me on the street, please do not approach me or speak to me. I will claim not to know you. I cannot be bribed; you will not be able to buy your way into the past again.

In closing, all I can do is offer you some advice:

1. Please try to think before you act.
2. If you don't do something about that haircut, you and many innocent people will regret it. It may seem trivial, but believe me, I know better.

-- Joey

You Know You're a Spammer...

2006-10-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

When your house still has the "Wide Load" sign on the back.
if you hooked up with your present wife as a result of a message on the wall of the men's room at the truck stop.
you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
you think there's nothing wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
you think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Boca Raton, Florida.
your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
your kids take a gas siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
you think a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

2006-10-09T15:29:00.000-07:00

The poor programmer...

2006-10-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, all the light we need comes from our monitors.

2006-10-09T00:57:00.000-07:00

Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up

That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with Linux
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.

Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF

But that was just a dream

I hope that was a dream...

by Alan Zacher to the tune of Losing My Religion (Appologies to REM)

2006-10-09T00:55:00.000-07:00

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

2006-10-09T00:50:00.000-07:00

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so okay, Windows does that

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does that, too

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature

So, Windows is *not* a virus

2006-10-09T00:49:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died?
He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted
to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.

"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and
roll, where everyone was having a great time.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"

"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"

"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park
playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.

"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.

"Yup," said the angel.

"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.

"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.

2006-10-09T00:46:00.000-07:00

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.
In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates,
but there are only two bullets in the gun!

Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure.

2006-10-08T15:25:00.000-07:00

In an effort to determine the department which produces the most
intelligent graduates, a university president threw down a challenge to the
deans of the schools of science, engineering, and business.  He asked each
to send him their brightest student from the current graduating class to
compete in solving a simple problem.

The next day, three students showed up at the university president's
office.  He explained the problem as follows:

"I want you to determine the height of the university's newest residence
tower.  I am giving each of you only three tools to work with: a stop
watch, a ruler and a ball of string.  You are each to devise your own
solution to the problem and report back here by the end of the day.
Whoever has the most accurate answer wins."

The three students set off to the new residence tower.  The science manor
went immediately to the roof of the building and dropped the ruler over the
side, carefully timing its descent with the stop watch.  Factoring in the
aerodynamic properties of the ruler, the science major calculated the
height of the building within six inches.

Next the engineering major, still panting from running up all the stairs to
the roof, took his turn.  He tied the stop watch onto the end of the ball
of string and gently lowered it until it just touched the ground.  Reeling
the string back up, he measured it carefully with the ruler, making
adjustments for its elasticity under the weight of the stop watch, and
calculated the height of the building within two inches.

At that point, the science major turns to the engineering major and asks,
"What happened to the kid from the business school?  I thought he was right
behind us."

They head back down to the building lobby and there, sitting comfortably in
an upholstered chair, is the business major.

"So, what are you going to do?" asks the science major.

"Oh, I'm done," says the business major, unfolding a piece of paper on
which is written the height of the building expressed to the last
one-eighth inch.

"How did you do that?" asks the engineering major.

"Simple," replies the student from the business school.  "While you guys
were screwing around up on the roof, I went down to the basement and found
the building superintendant.  I told him I'd give him a nice stop watch if
he'd let me look through the architectural plans for the building."


From: oldbear#NoSpam.arctos.com (The Old Bear)

2006-10-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a
job.  In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last
question is asked: "How much is one plus one?"

Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer.

The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but
I think it converges".

The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one"

The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much
do you want it to be?".

The Tao of Programming

2006-10-07T20:56:00.000-07:00

Book 1 - The Silent Void

Thus spake the master programmer:

``When you have learned to snatch the error code from the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave.''

1.1

Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the Tao of Programming.

If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is great, then the application is great. The user is pleased and there exists harmony in the world.

The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of morning.

1.2

The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth to the assembler.

The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand languages.

Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within the Tao.

But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.

1.3

In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. Therefore Space and Time are Yin and Yang of programming.

Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.

How could it be otherwise?

1.4

The wise programmer is told about Tao and follows it. The average programmer is told about Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer is told about Tao and laughs at it.

If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao.

The highest sounds are hardest to hear.
Going forward is a way to retreat.
Great talent shows itself late in life.
Even a perfect program still has bugs.

Book 2 - The Ancient Masters

Thus spake the master programmer:

``After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless.''

2.1

The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.

Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.

Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?

The answer exists only in Tao.

2.2

Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke he exclaimed:

``I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!''

2.3

A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: ``What sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suite and they made rude noises during my presentation.''

The manager said: ``I should have never sent you to the conference. Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother with social conventions?

``They are alive within the Tao.''

2.4

A novice asked the Master: ``Here is a programmer that never designs, documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?''

The Master replies: ``That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of Tao.''

Book 3 - Design

Thus spake the master programmer:

``When the program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.''

3.1

There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door:

``I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered.''

This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.

When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found.

On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard saying: ``I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better.'' So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.

On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. ``Sir Thief,'' he said, ``I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?''

The man smiled. ``I am stealing ideas,'' he said.

3.2

There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying, ``What is appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must understand the Tao before transcending structure.''

3.3

There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: ``Which is easier to design: an accounting package or an operating system?''

``An operating system,'' replied the programmer.

The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. ``Surely an accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating system,'' he said.

``Not so,'' said the programmer, ``when designing an accounting package, the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outside appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system is easier to design.''

The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. ``That is all good and well, but which is easier to debug?''

The programmer made no reply.

3.4

A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: ``How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?''

``It will take one year,'' said the master promptly.

``But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it take if I assign ten programmers to it?''

The master programmer frowned. ``In that case, it will take two years.''

``And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?''

The master programmer shrugged. ``Then the design will never be completed,'' he said.

Book 4 - Coding

Thus spake the master programmer:

``A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program is its own hell.''

4.1

A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a string of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained throughout. There should be neither too little or too much, neither needless loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming rigidity.

A program should follow the `Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least.

A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward appearances.

If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the program.

4.2

A novice asked the master: ``I have a program that sometime runs and sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally baffled. What is the reason for this?''

The master replied: ``You are confused because you do not understand Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers simulate determinism; only Tao is perfect.

``The rules of programming are transitory; only Tao is eternal. Therefore you must contemplate Tao before you receive enlightenment.''

``But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?'' asked the novice.

``Your program will then run correctly,'' replied the master.

4.3

A master was explaining the nature of Tao of to one of his novices. ``The Tao is embodied in all software - regardless of how insignificant,'' said the master.

``Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?'' asked the novice.

``It is,'' came the reply.

``Is the Tao in a video game?'' continued the novice.

``It is even in a video game,'' said the master.

``And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?''

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. ``The lesson is over for today,'' he said.

4.4

Prince Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program ran like a gentle wind.

``Excellent!'' the Prince exclaimed, ``Your technique is faultless!''

``Technique?'' said the programmer turning from his terminal, ``What I follow is Tao - beyond all techniques! When I first began to program I would see before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a moment and then log off.''

Prince Wang said, ``Would that all of my programmers were as wise!''

Book 5 - Maintenance

Thus spake the master programmer:

``Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained.''

5.1

A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.

These are great mysteries.

5.2

A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the program on which he was working. ``It will be finished tomorrow,'' the programmer promptly replied.

``I think you are being unrealistic,'' said the manager, ``Truthfully, how long will it take?''

The programmer thought for a moment. ``I have some features that I wish to add. This will take at least two weeks,'' he finally said.

``Even that is too much to expect,'' insisted the manager, ``I will be satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete.''

The programmer agreed to this.

Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his retirement luncheon, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. He had been programming all night.

5.3

A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial package.

The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set of generalized graphics routines, an artificial intelligence interface, but not the slightest mention of anything financial.

When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. ``Don't be so impatient,'' he said, ``I'll put in the financial stuff eventually.''

5.4

Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?

Book 6 - Management

Thus spake the master programmer:

``Let the programmers be many and the managers few - then all will be productive.''

6.1

When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll in.

Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.

When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be solved.

Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.

6.2

Why are programmers non-productive?
Because their time is wasted in meetings.

Why are programmers rebellious?
Because the management interferes too much.

Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
Because they are burnt out.

Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.

6.3

A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the manager retained his job.

The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer refused it, saying, ``I wrote the program because I thought it was an interesting concept, and thus I expect no reward.''

The manager upon hearing this remarked, ``This programmer, though he holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an employee. Let us promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!''

But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, ``I exist so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."

6.4

A manager went to his programmers and told them: ``As regards to your work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave at five in the afternoon.'' At this, all of them became angry and several resigned on the spot.

So the manager said: ``All right, in that case you may set your own working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule.'' The programmers, now satisfied, began to come in at noon and work to the wee hours of the morning.

Book 7 - Corporate Wisdom

Thus spake the master programmer:

``You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you can't make him computer literate.''

7.1

A novice asked the master: ``In the east there is a great tree-structure that men call `Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with vice presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying `Go, Hence!' or `Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an unnatural entity be?"

The master replied: ``You perceive this immense structure and are disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?''

7.2

In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue sky at its back, returns home.

The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know that the bird has come and gone.

7.3

The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the master's office while the master waited in silence.

``This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,'' began the magician, ``ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. Is it not amazing?''

The master raised his eyebrows slightly. ``It is indeed amazing,'' he said.

``Corporate Headquarters has commanded,'' continued the magician, ``that everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree to this?''

``Certainly,'' replied the master, ``I will have it transported to the data center immediately!'' And the magician returned to his tower, well pleased.

Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master programmer and said, ``I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do you know where it might be?''

``Yes,'' replied the master, ``the listings are stacked on the platform in the data center.''

7.4

The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project is cancelled. Why is this? He is filled with Tao.

Book 8 - Hardware and Software

Thus spake the master programmer:

``Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, hardware is useless.''

8.1

A novice asked the master: ``I perceive that one computer company is much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. Why is this so?''

The master replied, ``Why do you ask such foolish questions? That company is large because it is large. If it only made hardware, nobody would buy it. If it only made software, nobody would use it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort.''

8.2

A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. ``Excuse me,'' he said, ``may I examine it?''

The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. ``I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, and Hard,'' said the master. ``Yet every such device has another level of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the human.''

``Pray, great master,'' implored the novice, ``how does one find this mysterious setting?''

The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it underfoot. And suddenly the novice was enlightened.

8.3

There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. ``Look at how well off I am here,'' he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, ``I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to share my resources with anyone. The software is self- consistent and easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?''

The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his friend, saying ``The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean of machinery. The software is as multifaceted as a diamond, and as convoluted as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am.''

The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.

8.4

Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: ``You are Yin and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast sums of money.'' And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world.

Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags and hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: ``The Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time.''

Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.

Book 9 - Epilogue

Thus spake the master programmer:

``It is time for you to leave.''

2006-10-07T20:55:00.000-07:00

Their rumpled clothes, their unwashed and unshaven faces, and their uncombed hair all testify that they are oblivious to their bodies and to the world in which they move. These are computer bums, compulsive programmers. (Joseph Weizenbaum 1976)

Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. (Elizabeth Zwicky)

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. (Rich Cook)

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. (Nathaniel Borenstein)

No delusion is greater than the notion that method of industry can make up for lack of mother-wit, either in science or practical life. (Thomas Huxley)

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice. (Albert Einstein)

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. (Isaac Asimov)

There is a difference between eating a varied diet and chowing down on a cup of lard and sugar once a day. Programmers know this instinctively: they balance their daily menu among the four major food groups: caffeine, sugar, grease, and salt. (John Walker)

Let's face the obvious: yesterday we were nerds, today we're the cognitive elite. Let's conquer. (Chester G Edwards)

What we do is never understood, but only praised and blamed. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. (Bill Gates)

I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers. ("Sherlock Holmes")

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt. (Bertrand Russell)

The best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and fished out listings of their operating system. (Bill Gates)

You can get into a habit of thought in which you enjoy making fun of all those other people who don’t see things as clearly as you do. We have to guard carefully against it. (Carl Sagan)

Sometimes the best engineers come in bodies that can't talk. (Nolan Bushnell)

To many managers, getting rid of the arrogant, undisciplined, over-paid, technology-obsessed, improperly-dressed etc. programmers would appear to be a significant added benefit. (Bjarne Stroustrup)

Mostly, when you see programmers, they aren't doing anything. One of the attractive things about programmers is that you cannot tell whether or not they are working simply by looking at them. Very often they're sitting there seemingly drinking coffee and gossiping, or just staring into space. What the programmer is trying to do is get a handle on all the individual and unrelated ideas that are scampering around in his head. (Charles M Strauss)

Optimism is an occupational hazard of programming: feedback is the treament. (Kent Beck)

I think it is inevitable that people program poorly. Training will not substantially help matters. We have to learn to live with it. (Alan Perlis)

Perhaps when a man has special knowledge and special powers like my own, it rather encourages him to seek a complex explanation when a simpler one is at hand. ("Sherlock Holmes")

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein)

The only thing more frightening than a programmer with a screwdriver or a hardware engineer with a program is a user with a pair of wire cutters and the root password. (Elizabeth Zwicky)

Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind over-taxed. (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. (Horace Walpole)

The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be created in the form of computer programs. (Joseph Weizenbaum)

Suffusing [the technology] culture is the belief among programmers and engineers that they're working on the Next Big Thing — projects that change the world, not just deliver a more absorbent diaper or crunchier breakfast cereal. (Joseph Menn)

Being a social outcast helps you stay concentrated on the really important things, like thinking and hacking. (Eric Raymond)

We shall do a much better programming job, provided we approach the task with a full appreciation of its tremendous difficulty, provided that we respect the intrinsic limitations of the human mind and approach the task as very humble programmers. (Alan Turing)

People that think logically are a nice contrast to the real world. (Matt Biershbach)

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late. (Seymour Cray)

Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers. (Robert Hummel)

That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything and they don't drink all your beer. (Paul Leary)

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. (Brian Kernigan)

For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless, and then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match. (Bill Bryson)

That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as though it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise. (Mark Halpern)

Computer geek: an asocial, malodorous, pasty-faced monomaniac with all the personality of a cheese-grater. (Jargon Files)

Long hair minimizes the need for barbers; socks can be done without; one leather jacket solves the coat problem for many years; suspenders are superfluous. (Albert Einstein)

If your project doesn't work, look for the part that you didn't think was important. (Arthur Bloch)

For the time being, programming is a consumer job, assembly line coding is the norm, and what little exciting stuff is being performed is not going to make it compared to the mass-marketed cräp sold by those who think they can surf on the previous half-century's worth of inventions forever. (Eric Naggum)

A great lathe operator commands several times the wage of an average lathe operator, but a great writer of software code is worth 10,000 times the price of an average software writer. (Bill Gates)

The principle objective of software testing is to give confidence in the software. (P D Coward)

In 1971 when I joined the staff of the MIT Artificial Intelligence lab, all of us who helped develop the operating system software, we called ourselves hackers. (Richard Stallman)

Burn-out in a developer is the death of the artistic self, a perverse maturation, a shrinking with age, a withering with experience. (Jim McCarthy)

Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. (Michael Sinz)

Lovers of problem solving, they are apt to play chess at lunch or doodle in algebra over cocktails, speak an esoteric language that some suspect is just their way of mystifying outsiders. Deeply concerned about logic and sensitive to its breakdown in everyday life, they often annoy friends by asking them to rephrase their questions more logically. (Time Magazine in 1965)

A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems. (Paul Erdös)

Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of UNIX, although they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this an achievement. (MIT job advertisement)

I just hate to be pushed around by some fücking machine. (Ken Thompson)

The programmer, like the poet, works only slightly removed from pure thought-stuff. He builds his castles in the air, from air, creating by exertion of the imagination. Few media of creation are so flexible, so easy to polish and rework, so readily capable of realizing grand conceptual structures. (Frederick P Brooks Jr)

Poor management can increase software costs more rapidly than any other factor. (Barry Boehm)

A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. (IEEE Grid newsmagazine)

Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. (Adlai Stevenson)

Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter. (Eric Raymond)

A plumber has around eight years training in the US. That's to fix my goddamn toilet. Yet, how much training do you have to do to be allowed to build software for a plane carrying hundreds of people? (James Coplien)

An organisation that treats its programmers as morons will soon have programmers that are willing and able to act like morons only. (Bjarne Stroustrup)

You needed a cool name to put on a T-shirt, and you needed a T-shirt to give to people. It was part of getting people excited enough to work 70 hours a week. (Erich Ringewald of Apple)

Programmers are like artists. Writing software that just gets put away feels like intellectual masturbation. (Bruce Perens)

A hacker on a roll may be able to produce, in a period of a few months, something that a small development group (say, 7-8 people) would have a hard time getting together over a year. IBM used to report that certain programmers might be as much as 100 times as productive as other workers, or more. (Peter Seebach)

Microsoft's only factory asset is the human imagination. (Bill Gates)

Despite their reputation for thick-headedness or stubbornness, it is important for technicians to see themselves as superior people who can easily adapt to change. (Taiichi Ohno)

The programmer, who needs clarity, who must talk all day to a machine that demands declarations, hunkers down into a low-grade annoyance. It is here that the stereotype of the programmer, sitting in a dim room, growling from behind Coke cans, has its origins. The disorder of the desk, the floor; the yellow Post-It notes everywhere; the whiteboards covered with scrawl: all this is the outward manifestation of the messiness of human thought. The messiness cannot go into the program; it piles up around the programmer. (Ellen Ullman)

See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard, too. (Linus Torvalds)

Pessimists, we're told, look at a glass containing 50% air and 50% water and see it as half empty. Optimists, in contrast, see it as half full. Engineers, of course, understand the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. (Bob Lewis)

Use systematic doubt and question everything.
Learn the difference between rational proof and persuasion.
Be precise in your use of words.
Expect precision from others.
(Pierre Abelard)

The Laws of Coding

2006-10-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.

VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Gallois' Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Abort, Retry, Ignore

2006-10-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Author: cool4u2view@hotmail.com (Cool4u2view)

2006-10-07T20:48:00.000-07:00

"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"

2006-10-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

Pascal Coder — Y2K-burnout programmer
"I keep having this dream that I live past 100, but my Medicare gets messed up because the computers have only two digits for a person's age. They think I'm a 0-year-old and prosecute me for fraud."

2006-10-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

Our program,

Who art in memory,

"Hello" be thy name.

Thy spreadsheets be formatted,

thy code be downloaded,

from disk

as it will be in memory.

Give us on screen

our data spreads,

and forgive us our typos,

as we forgive those who ask that we document.

Lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us from glitches.

For thine is the algorithm,

the application,

and the solution,

looping forever and ever.

Return.

2006-10-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

Q: How many Pentium owners does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 0.99987, but that's close enough for most applications.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they merely change the standard to darkness and then they upgrade the customers.

Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Ten - one to screw it in, two to design the icon, four to design the T-shirts, and three to come up with the code name for the project.

2006-10-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"

2006-10-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem. (heard that one a few times)
Just one. But it takes them all night. And when they're done, the washing machine doesn't work right.
None. "We'll document it in the manual."
1.000000001.
Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change...
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.
"The change is 90% complete."
"It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working."
Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

2006-10-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing.

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.

It is later than you think.

If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.

Your fault -- core dumped.

You still need the last file you removed.

How to program in "C"
---------------------
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't quite understand.

Programming is 10% science, 25% ingenuity and 65% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

"Hardware: A product that if you play with it long enough, breaks."
"Software: A product that if you play with it long enough, it works."

As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.

FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.

A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1

Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.

Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.

You might have mail.

Computer interfaces and user interfaces are as different as night and 1.

The fortune '$ rm -r $HOME' could be extremely unsettling!!

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten per cent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

And on the seventh day, God wrote documentation. (Docs stored in the Ark of the Covenant.)

To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.

Road to hell is paved with NAND gates.

Nice computers don't go down.

Trying to establish voice contact--please yell into keyboard.

Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

I think I've got the hang of it now .... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d ^C ^c help exit ?Quit ?q

Never trust a computer you can't lift.

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

There is always one more bug.

The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.

PROGRAMMER--Red eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate monsters.

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

You are an insult to my intelligence! I demand that you log off immediately.

Disc space -- the final frontier!

Congratulations! You have now used up another 250 hours of CPU time.

Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.

After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.

"If you were plowing a field, what would you rather use? 2 strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"
-Seymour Cray

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.

PASCAL is not a language. It was an experiment combining the flexibilty of C with that of a drug-crazed penguin. It is also the 'language' of choice of many CS professors who aren't up to handling REAL programming. Hence, it is not a language.

C is almost a real language. (see assembler) Even the name sounds like it's gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid brackets and we'll talk. (see LISP)

Person 1: How ya gonna do it?
Person 2: I'm Gonna PS/2 it!!!
Person 1: But that's only half a computer!
Person 2: That's ok! OS/2 is only half an operating system!

This program posts news to thousands of machines throughout the entire civilized world. Your message will cost the net hundreds if not thousands of dollars to send everywhere. Please be sure you know what you are doing.

This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [yn] y

"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.

"Note to DOS users: UNIX is a lot more FUN" - Peter Norton

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.

MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

The best way to accelerate an IBM is at 9.8 m/s/s.

DEBUGGING--Removing the needles from the haystack.

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

How to debug a "C" program.
---------------------------
1] If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

ASSEMBLER is a language. Any language that can take a half-dozen keystrokes and compile it down to one byte of code is all right in my books. Though for the REAL programmer, assembler is a waste of time. Why use a compiler when you can code directly into memory through a front panel.

System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.

Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in.

Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.

Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.

Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't turn from 99999 to A0000.

CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..

BASIC is not a language. It's a plot to sucker poor unsuspecting consumers into believing that they should buy a computer because ANYONE can learn how to program.

You have junk mail.

Real Programmers don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

LOGO is not a language. It's a way to simulate 'skid marks' made by turtles with serious bowel control problems.

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

recursion (re - cur' - zhun) n. 1. (see recursion)

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

You are connected t&%&ibp*l an error free line.

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

MS-DOS:
Maybe SomeDay an Operating System

MACINTOSH:
Machine Always Crashes - If Not The Operating System Hangs

IBM:
It's Better Manually

The Programmer Song

2006-10-07T20:36:00.001-07:00

Of course I never wanted to be a Lumberjack; I wanted to be a

* * * P R O G R A M M E R * * *

...Writing line after line as they compile within the mighty CPU of the
CRAY-1; the giant CDC 7600, the 370, the mighty 68040...with my pocket
protector in my side pocket...we'd sing...sing...sing....

Oh, I'm a programmer and I'm O.K.
I work all night and I sleep all day

(chorus) He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day

I type in code, I read my dumps, I take them to the lavatory,
On Wednesdays I finish debugging and write thirteen lines of C

(chorus) He types in code, he prints his dumps, he takes them to the
lavatory,
On Wednesdays he finishes debugging and writes thirteen lines
of C

He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day

I type in code, I branch and jump, I press the reset button
I write modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'

(chorus) He types in code, he branches and jumps, he presses the
reset button
He writes modules in COBOL that don't do nothin'!?! Yeecch!

He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day

I type in code, I spill tape reels, punchcards, and cola
I wish I'd been an ME, just like my dear mama!

(chorus) He types in code, he spills tape reels, punchcards,
and...COLA!?!

(chorus) He's a programmer and he's O.K.
He works all night and he sleeps all day....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided that this notice remains intact.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

2006-10-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

2006-10-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

Alice in UNIX Land

2006-10-06T11:13:00.000-07:00

Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in memory," it read.

"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes, I wish I could use more than 640K."

At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said, "I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour, too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and disappeared behind her operating system.

Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating a moment, she leaped in after him.

She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS" embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".

"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."

"Yes," said Positive.

"Can you help me?" asked Alice.

"No," said Negative.

"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.

"No," said Negative.

She pointed the other way.

"Yes," said Positive.

Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."

Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.

Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.

"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string."

"Nroff?" asked the Frog.

The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"

"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"

"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.

Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.

"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him."

Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..."

A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly. "...what our NextStep will be."

Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised.

"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue, "is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh."

Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no!" he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!"

"Awk," said the Frog.

"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn."

"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"

"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX."

"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."

"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo."

"Penix," suggested a Penguin.

"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."

Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.

"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?"

Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again.

"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors."

Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left.

Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.

"Rem," it said, "edlin."

Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."

"Chkdsk," said the Frog.

-----By Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989

"At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand."

2006-09-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.

Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California.

What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole.

Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their

own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust.

All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them.

Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.

Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name.

2006-09-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

The problem is at your end

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

2006-09-18T01:16:00.000-07:00

Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

2006-09-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

NEW KEYBOARD

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in
the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your
Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set,
so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far
are:

1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need
to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the
need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers
of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or
Windows within the file being edited.

4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing
for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display...self explanatory.

6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) GateIBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
(Is very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the
world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you
thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually
a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you
100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk,
but we all know what it really stands for.

2006-09-18T01:13:00.000-07:00

Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.

2006-09-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

** ACHTUNG! **

Das machine is nicht fur Gerfingerpoken und mittengraben.
Is easy schnappen der Springenwerk blowenfusen und poppencorken
mit spitzensparken. Is nicht fur gerwerken by `Dummkopfen'.
Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepin hands in das pockets.
Relaxen und watch das Blinkinlights.

2006-09-18T01:10:00.000-07:00

WARNING!

This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
A special circuit in the machine called a 'Critical Detector' senses
the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is
to use the machine. The 'Critical Detector' then creates a malfunction
proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine
with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use
another machine may cause it to malfunction also. After all, they
belong to the same union. Keep cool and say pleasant things to the
machine. Nothing else seems to work.

Moral: Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

2006-09-18T01:08:00.000-07:00

Heard recently from an IBM field service manager:
A huge travel agency in Florida (a major booker of Caribbean cruises
for blue-haired retired ladies) recently bought an IBM 3090 to run the
reservation database. When the deal was consummated, the proud new
owner asked IBM to install it in a big glass room right behind the
receptionist's area so all the customers could see the flashing lights
and spinning tape reels as they walked in, a testimony to the modernity
of the agency. Good idea, except there are no blinking lights on a 3090.
So the service manager offered to build some. They hired a theatrical
designer to come up with a suitably futuristic "set", got curved glass
walls to minimize reflections, and installed the mainframe behind the
"real-looking" facade. The customer declared that it was exactly what
he had in mind, regardless of what the actual computer looks like.
Moral: the customer is always right.

The latest hardware gadget for use with Windows...

2006-09-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

2006-09-13T00:31:00.000-07:00

From: Richard Kinney, rjkinney@telis.org
In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"
My reply is: "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"

2006-09-13T00:30:00.001-07:00

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

– Albert Einstein

2006-09-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

Einstein when asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones!

2006-09-13T00:29:00.002-07:00

The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.

– Albert Einstein

2006-09-13T00:29:00.001-07:00

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

– Albert Einstein

2006-09-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work. However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation to Mexico.
Albert had a glorious two-week vacation and was having the time of his life. On the last night he was staying there, he decided to take a walk along the beach and watch the sunset.
As he watched the sun go down, he thought of the light of the sun and then the speed of light. You see, he had been using the speed of light in a lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it. Greek had been so overused.
Just at that moment, Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in the opposite direction. Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"
Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."

2006-09-13T00:28:00.000-07:00

True story:
A student walked into his discreet math class late and in order not to interrupt he put his late slip on the teacher's desk furtively without the teacher noticing. The teacher noticed the slip on his desk afterwards. He commented "I see you put this slip on my desk without me noticing. I guess that's why they call this class discrete mathematics."

SCHROEDINGER'S CAT LIMERICKS

2006-09-13T00:27:00.000-07:00

Schroedinger, you should not have done that
That "playing God" with a cat,
Which, by the way, mister
Belonged to your sister
The next time please make it a rat.

Said Schroedinger "poison is nifty
To dispose of this cat, God is thrifty
We can't tell if it died
Till we all peer inside
And the odds are at just that, 50/50."

The cat in the box still has growth
Or it's dead, and infested with sloth
One should not get unnerved
Till the cat is observed
It's a superposition of both.

So that is the way that you tell it
Leave a cat in a box with a pellet
Should the trigger let go
The poison will flow
And you'll know the cat's dead when you smell it.

Said Schroedinger, "let Physics advance
Though it might be kitty's last dance
When we open the box
Be prepared for some shocks
But there's only a 50% chance."

Said Schroedinger, "let's take a chance
Though it might be kitty's last dance."
"The poor cat," he then joked
"is alive, or it's croaked"
But you can't know these things in advance.

Said Schroedinger," isn't this fun"
Shot a cat in a box with a gun
I'll be sure it survives
'Cause the cat has nine lives
And I'll only be using just one."

2006-09-13T00:26:00.000-07:00

The Grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of hill,
And he marched them down again.
When they were up they were up,
When they were down they were down.
When they were only half way up,
They were simultaneously up and down,
They were merely obeying the laws of quantum mechanics.

Augusta Ada King, Countess of Lovelace (1815-1852)

2006-09-13T00:25:00.000-07:00

Augusta Ada King, Countess of Lovelace (1815-1852)
An English mathematician and the daughter of the famous poet, Lord Byron.
She understood Babbage’s ideas and recognized their great value. Lady Lovelace is sometimes called the first programmer because she also refined the design of Babbage’s Analytical Engine to include the automatic repetition of a series of calculation’s – the loop. This looping procedure is extremely valuable to today’s programmers.
She also suggested using a binary system rather than the decimal system for storage.
After her is named the Ada programming language which was developed in the late 1970s by the Pentagon for military applications.

2006-09-09T00:23:00.001-07:00

Three beggars were begging in New York City.

The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten dollars after one day.

The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.

The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting while Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar. Cisco just announced that virtually all ebeg traffic runs over their equipment.

2006-09-09T00:23:00.000-07:00

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL statements. You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.
2. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
3. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
4. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
6. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
7. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
8. I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
9. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
10. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.
12. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
13. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
14. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
15. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
16. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had fractured my skull.
18. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

2006-09-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

A high school language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data but they are still clueless
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

2006-09-09T00:20:00.000-07:00

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

2006-09-09T00:18:00.001-07:00

A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

2006-09-09T00:18:00.000-07:00

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

2006-09-09T00:17:00.001-07:00

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

2006-09-09T00:17:00.000-07:00

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....

2006-09-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

2006-09-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

Why do we hear a clatter of train wheels ?

Answer: Wheel has a form of a circle. An area of a circle is equal to p r², so this square clatters.

What difference between physicist and programmer ?

Answer: Physicist thinks that 1 kilobyte = 1000 bytes, and programmer thinks that 1 kilometer = 1024 meters.

The shortest distance between two points

At a geometry lesson a teacher asks to represent the shortest distance between the two points A and B on a blackboard:

The teacher asks:
- Johnny, who taught you this ?
- My father, he is a taxi driver.

You Know You're a Programmer When ...

2006-09-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go ''0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...''.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says ''If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!'', and you chastise her for for omitting the ''else'' clause.

You try to s sleep(8 * 3600);

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page..

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number...

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

2006-09-09T00:08:00.000-07:00

The perfectionist programmer submitted a piece of software for unit testing. As he reviews his own code he realised that he made a mistake. He rushes off to the testing department. Worried he ask the tester: "Have you seen the error I made in module X12VY3. ". Trying to be polite the tester answers: "Which one?"

Programmer monkey

2006-09-09T00:03:00.000-07:00

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "Thatll be $5000."

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but rest of the monkeys call it the Project Manager."

2006-09-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

An Entity bean came into his local bar on Monday night, and his eyes fell on a beautiful Session bean.

He went over to her, gave her some line, but was denied.
The next day the barman grinned when he saw the Entity once again show up, and hit on the Session bean. Once again, denied.

On the third night, after getting dissed again, the Entity came and sat at the bar. The barmen gave him a drink and said... 'You are definately persistent'.

This definition of "compiler" must rank as the BEST of the possible wrong answers.

2006-09-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

Written by a student in a introductory Computer Science course.

"A compiler's primary function is to compile, organize the compilation, and go right back to compiling. It compiles basically only those things that require to be compiled, ignoring things that should not be compiled. The main way a compiler compiles, is to compile the things to be compiled until the compilation is complete."

Only in America.....

Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer

2006-09-07T21:31:00.001-07:00

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.... The operator believed it.

2006-09-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

...about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the world's oldest profession was. The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adam's rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.

The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!

The programmer simply smiled and said: "Where do you think the Chaos came from?"

2006-09-07T21:29:00.000-07:00

A Microsoft Programmer and a Boeing Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!"

Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance to from the earth to the moon?"

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer turns away and tries to sleep.

2006-09-07T21:27:00.001-07:00

Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.

Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.

"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."

If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.

Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers. On Gobel's World Wide Web page (http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.

What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, allchoked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it take for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.

2006-09-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

Back in the mid-1970s, several of the system support staff at Motorola discovered a relatively simple way to crack system security on the Xerox CP-V timesharing system. Through a simple programming strategy, it was possible for a user program to trick the system into running a portion of the program in `master mode' (supervisor state), in which memory protection does not apply. The program could then poke a large value into its `privilege level' byte (normally write-protected) and could then proceed to bypass all levels of security within the file-management system, patch the system monitor, and do numerous other interesting things. In short, the barn door was wide open.

Motorola quite properly reported this problem to Xerox via an official `level 1 SIDR' (a bug report with an intended urgency of `needs to be fixed yesterday'). Because the text of each SIDR was entered into a database that could be viewed by quite a number of people, Motorola followed the approved procedure: they simply reported the problem as `Security SIDR', and attached all of the necessary documentation, ways-to-reproduce, etc.

The CP-V people at Xerox sat on their thumbs; they either didn't realize the severity of the problem, or didn't assign the necessary operating-system-staff resources to develop and distribute an official patch.

Months passed. The Motorola guys pestered their Xerox field-support rep, to no avail. Finally they decided to take direct action, to demonstrate to Xerox management just how easily the system could be cracked and just how thoroughly the security safeguards could be subverted.

They dug around in the operating-system listings and devised a thoroughly devilish set of patches. These patches were then incorporated into a pair of programs called `Robin Hood' and `Friar Tuck'. Robin Hood and Friar Tuck were designed to run as `ghost jobs' (daemons, in UNIX terminology); they would use the existing loophole to subvert system security, install the necessary patches, and then keep an eye on one another's statuses in order to keep the system operator (in effect, the superuser) from aborting them.

One fine day, the system operator on the main CP-V software development system in El Segundo was surprised by a number of unusual phenomena. These included the following:

* Tape drives would rewind and dismount their tapes in the middle of a job.
* Disk drives would seek back and forth so rapidly that they would attempt to walk across the floor (see {walking drives}).
* The card-punch output device would occasionally start up of itself and punch a {lace card}. These would usually jam in the punch.
* The console would print snide and insulting messages from Robin Hood to Friar Tuck, or vice versa.
* The Xerox card reader had two output stackers; it could be instructed to stack into A, stack into B, or stack into A (unless a card was unreadable, in which case the bad card was placed into stacker B). One of the patches installed by the ghosts added some code to the card-reader driver... after reading a card, it would flip over to the opposite stacker. As a result, card decks would divide themselves in half when they were read, leaving the operator to recollate them manually.

Naturally, the operator called in the operating-system developers. They found the bandit ghost jobs running, and X'ed them... and were once again surprised. When Robin Hood was X'ed, the following sequence of events took place:

!X id1

id1: Friar Tuck... I am under attack! Pray save me!

id1: Off (aborted)

id2: Fear not, friend Robin! I shall rout the Sheriff of Nottingham's men!

id1: Thank you, my good fellow!

Each ghost-job would detect the fact that the other had been killed, and would start a new copy of the recently slain program within a few milliseconds. The only way to kill both ghosts was to kill them simultaneously (very difficult) or to deliberately crash the system.

Finally, the system programmers did the latter --- only to find that the bandits appeared once again when the system rebooted! It turned out that these two programs had patched the boot-time OS image (the kernel file, in UNIX terms) and had added themselves to the list of programs that were to be started at boot time.

The Robin Hood and Friar Tuck ghosts were finally eradicated when the system staff rebooted the system from a clean boot-tape and reinstalled the monitor. Not long thereafter, Xerox released a patch for this problem.

It is alleged that Xerox filed a complaint with Motorola's management about the merry-prankster actions of the two employees in question. It is not recorded that any serious disciplinary action was taken against either of them.

Microsoft Announces Improved BSOD

2006-09-07T21:24:00.001-07:00

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"

A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54 percent, it was the top answer.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes", allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows (tm) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Balmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."

** Coming soon -- Options for the Hour Glass of Doom!

separate the men from the boys

2006-09-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

Back in the good old days - the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones who understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones who didn't. A Real Computer Programmer said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers - they're so impersonal". (A previous work [1] points out that Real Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)

But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's.

There is a clear need to point out the difference between the typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to - a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary saving).

Languages

The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied, "You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers. Real Programmers don't need all those abstract concepts to get their jobs done - they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler and a beer.

Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.

If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.

Structured Programming

The academics in computer science have gotten into the "structured programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are more easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs and techniques. They don't all agree of exactly which concepts, of course, and the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably fit on a single page of some obscure journal or another - clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages and create 1000-line programs that WORKED. (Really.) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world won't help you to solve a problem like that - it takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming:

Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused.
Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements - they make the code more interesting.
Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
Real Programmers don't need comments - the code is obvious.
Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT … UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using them. Besides, they can be simulated where necessary using assigned GOTO's.

Data structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists and Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche eater) actually wrote an entire book [2] contending that you could write a program based on data structures, rather than the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets - these are all special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as easily without messing up your programming language with all sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first letter of the (six character) variable name.

Operating Systems

What kind of Operating System is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M, after all, is basically a toy Operating System. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand CP/M.

Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do serious Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games and research papers.

No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump without using a hex calculator (I have actually seen this done).

OS is a truly remarkable Operating System. It's possible to destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim there is a Time Sharing System that runs on OS\370 but, after careful study, I have come to the conclusion that they are mistaken.

Programming Tools

What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was actually done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was memory - it didn't go away when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray 1 Supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually toggled the first Operating System for the CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Seymore, needless to say, is a Real Programmer.

One of my favourite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas Instruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user whose system had crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading register contents back over the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies.

In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems provide several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Centre for use on their Alto and Dorado computers [3]. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose Operating System is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse.

Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into editors running on more reasonably named Operating Systems - EMACS and VI being two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in text editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor - complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO to be precise.

It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text [4]. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse - introduce subtle and mysterious bugs into a once working subroutine.

For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a program that is close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of sending anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job - no Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to start. This is called "job security".

Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers:

FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR, the cuisiniers of programming - great for making Quiche. See comments above on structured programming.
Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps.
Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity, destroy most of the interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the Operating System code with negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient.
Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot leave his important programs unguarded [5].

The Real Programmer at Work

Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kinds of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!).

Real Programmers work for the Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray 1 supercomputers.
Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian transmissions.
It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies.
Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the Operating Systems for Cruise missiles.

Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire Operating System of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and improvisation - hitting ten-kilometre wide windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios and batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located and photographed a new moon of Jupiter.

The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80 kilometres (±3 km) of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances.

As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the US Government - mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. Recently however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided that all Defense programs should be written in some grand unified language called "ADA" (©, DoD). For a while it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming - a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing and semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by the DoD has enough interesting features to make it approachable - it's incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with the Operating System and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it [6]. (Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" - a landmark work in programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.

The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them - the Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in computer graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.

The Real Programmer at Play

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same as he works - with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognising Real Programmer away from the computer room:

At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about Operating System security and how to get around it.
At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11x14 fanfold paper.
At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand.
At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary."
In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

The Real Programmer's Natural Habitat

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. Surrounding the terminal are:

Listings of all the programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open at some particularly interesting pages.
Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969.
Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars - the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse waiting in the vending machine.
Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.)

The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer - it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general:

No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night).
Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes.
Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch [9].
A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (and EBCDIC) code tables.
Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.

The Future

What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from college these days can do their hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft - protected from the realities of programming by source-level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" Operating Systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers?

From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to FORTRAN, have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an option card - to compile DO loops like God meant them to be.

Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of being an Operating System worthy of any Real Programmer - two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in - like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembler language in one place. (Not to mention some of the more creative uses of $define.)

No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years, the popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving places like Stanford and MIT for the Real World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem - saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN!

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E., for their help in characterising the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy E. for putting up with it and atd!avsdS:mark for the initial inspiration.

References

Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't eat Quiche", New York, Pocket Books, 1982.
Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976.
Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing", IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4, Dec 4 1980.
Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors - or - a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis, MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, May 1980.
Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1971, page 110.
Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3, No. 10, Oct 1978.
Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 92, Vol. 3, No. 9, Nov 82, pp 58-66.
"The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980.
sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct 21 16:55:16 1982.

2006-09-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

The ten commandments of email

2006-09-07T01:27:00.000-07:00

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

2006-09-07T01:26:00.000-07:00

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
(Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
---------------------------------------
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
---------------------------------------
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
---------------------------------------
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
---------------------------------------
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
---------------------------------------
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
---------------------------------------
Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
---------------------------------------
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
---------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
---------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work."
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File, ' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

2006-09-07T01:25:00.000-07:00

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

2006-09-07T01:24:00.000-07:00

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

2006-09-07T01:22:00.000-07:00

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
The you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

2006-09-07T01:21:00.000-07:00

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, 'Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.'
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Alfonso the Code Warrior

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

Why did the multi-threaded chicken cross the road?

Proper Diskette Care and Usage

Theory and Practice

Writing Unmaintainable Code

Introduction

General Principles

Naming

New Uses For Names For Baby

Single Letter Variable Names

Creative Miss-spelling

Be Abstract

A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.

Thesaurus Surrogatisation

Use Plural Forms From Other Languages

CapiTaliSaTion

Reuse Names

Åccented Letters

Exploit Compiler Name Length Limits

Underscore, a Friend Indeed

Mix Languages

Extended ASCII

Names From Other Languages

Names From Mathematics

Bedazzling Names

Rename and Reuse

When To Use i

Conventions Schmentions

Lower Case l Looks a Lot Like the Digit 1

Reuse of Global Names as Private

Recycling Revisited

Recycle Your Variables

Cd wrttn wtht vwls s mch trsr

Misleading names

m_

o_apple obj_apple

Hungarian Notation

Hungarian Notation Revisited

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Obscure film references

Lightbulb Jokes - Computers

Tech Support Pricing

Engineers vs. Executives

Engineers vs. Executives

Insufficient Memory

Top 16 Programmer Pranks

Computer Genesis

Computer Genesis

The Best Spam Email Ever...

Time travelers PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

You Know You're a Spammer...

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates,but there are only two bullets in the gun!Who does he shoot???Gates, twice to be sure.

The Tao of Programming

1.1

1.2

1.3

1.4

2.1

2.2

2.3

2.4

3.1

3.2

3.3

3.4

4.1

4.2

4.3

4.4

5.1

5.2

5.3

5.4

6.1

6.2

6.3

6.4

7.1

The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand.
In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates,
but there are only two bullets in the gun!

Who does he shoot???

Gates, twice to be sure.